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When monogrammed shirts just aren’t enough

May 25, 2010

Now get upstairs and finish that homework, you scamp.

So this happened:

A man accused of branding his three children like cattle [In fairness, they act like cattle sometimes. –Ed] is on trial on assault charges in Washington state. KIRO-TV reports Mark Seamands branded his 13- and 15-year-old sons and 18-year-old daughter with the letters “SK” — for “Seamands’ Kids.” He’s been charged with assaulting the sons but not the daughter because she was old enough to give consent.


Seamands’ ex-wife says she was horrified when she saw the scars on the youngest boy’s chest, the other boy’s arm and the back of the daughter’s leg.

That son of a bitch! Those poor kids were forced to… oh:

KIRO says the boys are expected to testify in defense of their father because they are proud of their brands. Seamands also is expected to take the stand and show his own brand.

Uh… oh. And now this:

A man in Washington state who branded his children like cattle has been acquitted of second-degree assault charges.


[Seamands] testified he wanted to bring the family closer together while he was going through a divorce.  Seamands’ ex-wife said she was horrified when she saw the scars. [Which is exactly why he needed to divorce her–no sense of unity.–Ed.]

And now, filed under “things you never thought you’d need to tell people not to do,” right there with using a blow dryer in the shower and masturbating with a coin-op vacuum cleaner, city councilman in Port Angeles, WA wants to pass a law forbidding the branding of children. Whatever:

City Council member Max Mania wants the city to send a clear message that branding children is not OK in Port Angeles.

This is exactly why the good people of Port Angeles put Max Mania (wait–Max Mania? AWESOME.) in office in the first place. God bless, you Max Mania, for the work you do. Now get back to training for that heavyweight belt. Tugboat isn’t going to pin himself.

Oh, thank God I don’t live in the West anymore.


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