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Montana kids may learn truth about pee-pees, hoo-hoos

July 15, 2010

What I like to call "the cabbage patch"

Rugged Montana folk are straight-shooters, damn it, and have no patience for you liberal candy-asses with your double-talk and hemming and hawing. Except when it comes to sex education, in which case we should just teach the kids that babies are made when mommy and daddy give each other a “special hug.” So say the forward-thinking people of Helena, Montana.

A proposed sex education program that teaches fifth-graders the different ways people have intercourse and first-graders about gay love has infuriated parents and forced the school board to take a closer look at the issue.


The proposed 62-page document covers a broad health and nutrition education program and took two years to draft. But it is the small portion dealing with sexual education that has drawn the ire of many in the community who feel it is being pushed forward despite its obvious controversial nature.

Parents appeared most worried about pieces of the plan that teaches first-graders about same-gender relationships, fifth-graders that sexual intercourse includes “vaginal, oral, or anal penetration,” and high school students about erotic art. The curriculum would also teach kindergartners anatomical terms such as penis, vagina, breast, nipples, testicles, scrotum and uterus.

Aaaaaaas you can imagine, this has proven to be just a slightly controversial issue, with parents turning out in droves to decry the whole idea of letting kids know facts about stuff. The fair and balanced Fox News has seized the issue with their usual level approach, putting out a host of articles and news show bits about how terrible it all is, including this awesome editorial by Jim Sedlak. (Jim Sedlak, in case you don’t know him, is the Vice President of the American Life League, a Roman Catholic educational organization that opposes any and all birth control, abortion, vaccine research, and euthanasia, but takes time out of its busy extremist schedule to accuse Disney of secretly planting priest erections, or cleverly encouraging people to have sex, in its cartoons.) Sedlak, in a tour de force of trying to sound mainstream when he couldn’t live more on the fringe without giving up running water, tries to make the case that from roughly 6-12 children are ravenously curious about everything. Everything except, miraculously, sex:

Most educators will tell you that this is the age when children are most able to be educated. They are like a sponge [really? all them like a single sponge? like a contraceptive sponge? is this subliminally encouraging birth control?–Ed.], soaking up math and science and languages and anything else that piques their interest. They want to know why the sky is blue; why the grass is green; how do airplanes fly; and a host of other things. They do not want to know about sex. At this stage in their lives, it is just not important to them.

No, Jim. Of course it isn’t.

Anyway, my favorite part of this whole controversy (aside from the fact that one of the school board members quoted is a guy named Terry Beaver, who I propose for a steel cage match with Max Mania), is that parents seem to be upset at the idea that fifth graders will, under this proposed plan, learn that it’s possible to put your penis in a whole variety of places, including anuses (this will naturally turn them gay; I hope I don’t have to connect those dots for you). Fifth graders. My memories of fifth grade are dim, but what remains is comprised almost entirely of male students calling each other “fag.” I’d say if you want to keep kids from turning gay, putting them through fifth grade with a bunch of other fifth graders is about the best way of doing it.

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